PHAT Tuesday ... aka (Pry-Holly-Away-Today, it's Tuesday)

Tuesday, June 2nd ... A day full of raw emotion. A few days earlier, a nurse or tech of some nature in the NICU casually mentioned that discharge day is tough for mom's because they're leaving the hospital without their baby.

Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!! That had not yet crossed my mind. Funny when people say stuff that they think is helpful and yet your inner voice is screaming... "Hey, crazy ... let's not remind the hyper-emotional mom that her baby girl is not only NOT going home, but she's glued to who knows how many wires, accompanied by a countless bells and whistles." (Sometimes it just feels good to let it out. LOL)

Tuesday morning, I was on my own, Jon had returned home the night before to be with the boys and get back to his routine at work. I was going to be discharged. Some might think being alone is sad, but truly, it gave me the chance to be sad on my own. Sounds pitiful, but I needed to cry and cry I did. The hospital was safe and familiar. I had a routine... I had great nurses who, in a short time had become my friends. Spending days & nights for months along side of Ainsley in her isolette seemed daunting and scary. Until now, I would make trips to the NICU, sit with and talk to her for awhile and then, return to my room. Today things would change, and today, we would start the next phase in our journey. Not sure if I was ready.

You want to be brave and have this rock hard exterior. Mostly because you don't want everyone else to feel bad for you. And truly, I was fine... intellectually, I was good. I could wrap my brain around everything. But sometimes you just need to cry. That morning, every time I thought about her, I would cry. A resident would come in, ask me how I was doing... and I'd cry. My nurses would check in on me and I would cry. And of course they feel bad thinking they made you cry and I feel bad for them thinking they made me cry ... it was a roller coaster and I wanted OFF! Note to self (any anyone else in earshot): Never ask someone who's enduring a situation "Are you OK?". You already know they're probably not "OK", but will be in time and they're just going to tell you that they're "fine" and then burst into tears.

I checked out around noon. I had an "open discharge" which meant I could ignore the "check out is at 11am" sign on the wall and that I could stay until I felt I was ready to leave. The nurse asked if I was going to stay for lunch. Thoughtful, but the food is not awesome and it never comes around meal time. (Turns out the sick people eat first, healthy people wait. I think they should reevaluate. New Mom's who are nursing/pumping need round the clock grub to keep up. They should be included on the early food rounds. I'm still looking for a suggestion box.)

So, that was a big fat no to lunch. Dad came for me and we headed out for some real food and to fill my Prescriptions. Something for pain and something for my blood pressure. Really not much pain, just hoping that the BP finds it's way to it's "normal range" in a reasonable amount of time.

Later I was back at the NICU. This time as an "outsider". Not as bad as I thought it would be. While my "safe place" wasn't right upstairs, it wasn't going to be too far away. I was going to be just fine. and so was she.